“I was once in a love dodecahedron. It’s like a love triangle, but way harder to keep track of everyone. No for real, like, I had to buy a cork board, pushpins and string just to make sense of my private life. Friends would come over and literally be all ‘ummmmm so which cold case are you solving?’ And really, I’d just be trying to pick who to bring to my niece’s birthday. It was… ugh, like, okay, for instance if I went too long without addressing my ‘roster of suitors,’ suddenly it was boombox orchestras outside or charmers by the door wrestling cue cards for front of the deck. The jealousy! At first I thought, k, if I keep an even supply of bad boys and ‘well-intentioned likeables in a story arc to find their confidence,’ then all their efforts will cancel out. But some of the jerks began seeing the error of their ways ya know, showing, like, character growth? Whereas some of the ‘likeables’ ended up turning into obsessive creeps. It got to the point where if I was ‘curving someone,’ I literally meant that’s what I was grading them on to be fair. I had to carry around a TI-83 for Christ’s sake! Then of course there were my own crushes and competition to deal with. You know what 'The Bachelor' looks like when cameras aren’t pointed at the women the whole time? Let me tell you, it gets sadistic. The roses at the end of the night are just clumps of blood soaked hair and scalp. Was friggin tough man. Every other damn week I’d find myself back at square one. Until one day I sit down to do the math right... and I realize, I’m doing actual math! So it hits me, maybe I’ve just been conditioned by, I dunno, culture?- to believe my love life needed complication to deserve a storybook ending. And I’m like, okay, wait, at the end of the day love is a feeling right?- not some calculation. If it’s real, it shouldn’t require Cartesian Geometry. And if I keep treating my relationships like equations, best I can hope for is to get carried over and still face subtraction. Long story summed, I’m in a muuuch more manageable love rhombus now. Sure, it’s not a total 180°, but when you have to start over again, square one is gonna have a few kinks either way."